Untitled (for now)

I feel as though
I'm stuck in quicksand
Or trying to walk
Through a mucky swamp
I want to just curl up
And go to sleep
And not wake up
I get so tired
I feel like every day is a battle
And I'm not too sure
That I can win the war
Or that I even want to
I want to burrow in quilts
Of the deepest sleep
And slowly fade away to nothing
The nothing I feel I am
People say
"she's in a depression"
And I laugh bitterly
I passed that point a long time ago
How can numbness
Be so painful at times
The people who know me in person
Don't give a damn
It's only when I'm online
That people think I'm special
That they bother to see
What's left of my soul
What is it about me
That makes me so unlovable in person
Yet online people I don't know
Seek me out and tell me
That I've touched them
Am I destined
To spend my life at this keyboard
As the only way I will be loved
Or will the day come
When someone will come along
And love me
For me
Or what's left of me
I am so tired of the struggle
And the pain
And the fight
To be myself
When I am not even sure
Who "me" is anymore.
So let me burrow under my quilts
And drift into a timeless sleep
And I promise I will wake up
If you will truly love me
But for now I close my eyes
And shut out the fight
And live in my dreams
Banishing all nightmares
Until such a day comes.

Heather
12-26-99