Self-Injury and Cutting

1-21-09

This is such a loaded subject and these days cutting is largely associated with the "Emo" crowd as a way to get attention. That is not always the case though. For me self-injury was a learned behavior. When I was a child, I couldn't display "negative" emotions like anger. If I cried because something hurt or upset me I was told to stop or I would be given something to cry about. I had to have some sort of outlet for those feelings, so I began turning them on myself.

As a child I did not cut. I bit myself or hit myself mainly. I know to a lot of people that sounds weird, but it was my way of trying to find a way to cope. I needed some kind of release valve. Imagine being angry or hurt and having no way to let that emotion out. It just keeps building and it is hard to think, you get shaky, your heart races and you feel like you could explode any minute. That was why I first started hurting myself, and no one ever realized it was happening.

People cut or self-injure for many reasons though. They hurt so much inside that they need the physical pain to lessen the emotional pain. Sometimes it is a way to snap yourself out of a panic attack. Sometimes there is so much self-hatred that you just want to punish yourself. Sometimes there is an urge to make yourself as scarred outside as you feel inside. Sometimes it is the only way you know to deal with intense anger or hurt or sadness. Sadly there are some who do it to manipulate, there is no trying to hide it or keep it a personal thing. Sometimes it gets done in direct response to someone not getting their way and it's a "Look what you made me do" type thing. I think this doesn't happen as often as people think though. I always cut in areas that were less likely to be fatal...thighs and upper arm- places that were usually covered.

It is easy for people to say "oh my god that is sick" about self-injury. Coming down on the person, guilt tripping them, threatening them - none of these work, or at least they didn't with me. I wasn't doing it to piss people off. I was trying to cope. People making me feel like a horrible freak about it didn't do anything but cause more self-injury. I lost so-called friends over it because they were disgusted by it and me. Don't do this if you know someone who injures themselves. Be supportive, be there for them, try to help them find other outlets for their pain, urge them to get help through counseling. Just please don't belittle them or turn your back. I know it is scary being faced with someone you love or care about hurting themselves. It is usually not a suicide attempt, especially if they cut in places they are not likely to hit a major blood vessel.

Self-injury can take many forms, and some of them aren't even really thought of as self-injury. Cutting, burning, hitting, stabbing, piercing with needles, getting drunk every night just to dull the pain, doing drugs to dull the pain, not letting wounds heal -- all of these things can be ways of hurting yourself. I am not saying everyone who has tattoos or piercings is doing it as a self-injuring thing, but I think some people use that as a "legitimate" way to inflict pain or have it inflicted. No one flame me for that opinion please...I am only saying I think it happens *some* of the time.

Hopefully my rambling thoughts make sense and help bring a little bit of understanding to self-injury. Sometimes it takes hitting bottom and scaring yourself to be able to stop cutting. One night I reached my crisis point. I had cut many many times that night. As a matter of fact it was the same night I wrote Cutting. I was a member of a ladies group called LOTH (Ladies of the Heart) and I went on the forum and said I was scared. The panic attacks, depression and cutting were so bad that night I scared myself. One of the members referred me to R.A.I.N.N. That was the start of my journey of healing. First I had to learn to find other ways to cope and let things out. This was and is a hard process. Even though I haven't cut since 2000, the urge is always there when I get overstressed or I am hurting badly emotionally.