Cutting

I watch the blood running
Silent crimson rivers
Streaking down my body
I try to pretend that my pain
Follows the same course
Leaving my body forever
Even though I can't put the blood back
The pain finds a way back
It taunts me...it's never gone.
I watch the blood drip down my stomach,
Down my legs and ankles
Collecting in a dark pool at my feet
The blood is on my hands and arms
Even my keyboard is smudged red
Morbid curiousity fills me
How big will that puddle grow?
Im not trying to die
I want to stop hurting
I know that its an oxymoron
And to most it doesnt make sense
How can I stop hurting
If I inflict pain on myself?
There are times I look at my scars
And I hate them....they are ugly and freakish
There are times I look at my scars
And I love them....they define me
And show that (so far) I've survived
All my life people have hurt me
I never could stop it
This pain I control.
Yet it also controls me
I need it...I crave it
It proves how bad I am
I deserve it...don't I?
Thats what I've been told.
It releases pressure
That crushing pressure
That builds in a second
And keeps me from breathing.
I have to cut you see?
Otherwise I cant breathe
You say you don't want me to die
You say you care about me
You say you love me
Then why condemn me
Why think I am disgusting
Why get mad at me when I cut
Dont you realize when I do so
That I am choosing Life.
I dont cut to hurt you
I cut because I hurt
And it comforts me
In a strange way
Not in a way that my mere words
Can make you understand
You say when I cut me
I am cutting you
Please dont say things like that
It makes me feel guilty
And that makes me want to cut more
Which makes me feel worse
And makes me cut worse
It creates a cycle
Please understand my cutting
Does not mean that
You are not a good friend
It does not mean I dont want help
All it means is I am hurting
Deep within
And its the only outlet
That I have found
That lets me breathe.

10-31-99